My family members have been fighting, my father threatened with divorce and kicking my brother out of the house, my mom cried on my shoulder and I had to beg my father to stop screeming at her. I even asked my brother to just leave.
I'm done!
Believe me, there have been fights and arguments before, and I'm sure that when I was younger I also was the cause of some of them, but never has it been like this one! Like the past year or so, it's just never ending I feel. And it gets worse every time...
I know this is the last thing I should be blogging about, and spread it on the internet and if I offend anyone by it, I'm sorry. But I just have to get rid of some of the stuff that's hurting me...
It just kills me to see my mom cry and I choke when I see my dad hurt. It amazes me, when the person who is the cause of this pain and tears, doesn't seem to be bothered by it. It's so cold! It's not how he's been raised, I'd like to think my parents did better than that!
We all take advantage of our parents in our teens, especially if they let us, but we still have the respect to stop when it's becoming too much... At least, I always did!
Anyways... I dried my mom's tears yesterday, after I cramped up cuz my dad was screaming like I never heard him do before. I talked to my dad, asking him to please apologize to mom, cuz she was hurting. I'm someone who wants to live by the code "Don't go angry"... Don't go to bed angry, don't go to work angry, don't even go to the store angry... Because "what if"... I can't imagine, not being able to say all you wanna say to the person you love before it's too late!
I've decided to back away from my brother completely. I'm tired of him using us and deviding my parents. I'm tired of trying to talk and get through to him, and not have any positive outcome. I'm tired of being nervous about a confrontation that I know they will have, especially dad and my brother. It's aweful!
We celebrated my mom's birthday yesterday and since my brother walked away from home, he didn't show up to celebrate with us. He didn't buy a present or write a card for mom... She's his mother! She does everything for him. As do we all! Shows his personality I guess... And telling others he got kicked out, no one's supportive of him, helps him, cares about him... He doesn't even know what he has and what my parents do and buy for him. What I do and buy for him, cuz he's my brother, that's what you do! All I need in return, is a thank you and respect! Why is it so hard to do just that?! It's all my parents want from both of us too, love, gratitude and respect.
I could go on and on about this, but at the end of the day, this is my family and my brother, and I don't wanna disrepect them! I've just been walking around with this all weekend, not allowed to talk to anyone about it, frustrated to see my brother spreading it around on twitter. I can't pretent non of this happened, me being in the middle of it all again! How dare he say all those things, even in his anger!
Nobody's perfect, and I damn well know I'm not either, but I do try my best to co-excist with those who I care about. It was never meant to be easy, and growing up and dealing with all sorts of situations is challenging and difficult, I know! But family is there to help you through!
To top this weekend off, today is not only my mom's 45th birthday, it's also been 5 years today since my grandmother died. She was one of the most important people in my life, my retreat, and I still miss her. Now more then ever. Now I wish I could run to her and have her comfort me. Love me. Support me, like she always did. I miss that.
Also today my grandfather's wife stopped by. My grandfather, who also was a very important part of my adult life, died 2 years ago. Whatever he said, went! He was firm, but always there for everyone! He had a big influence in my life and I like to think that I was special to him too. My mom tells me often that I was. His wife now, 2 years after she lost the man she loved, has found a new love. And though I wish her all the best and I'm truely happy for her to have found new love, it's weird to not see my grandfater by her side... He was still so young! Life just isn't fair. I do know that she really misses him too!
All in all, these past few days made me very emotional. I eat when I'm emotional, so you can imagine how my weekend has been... Without anyone knowing it, I just shed a few tears behind the computer, writing, and it feels good. I'm not keeping anything inside anymore! No anger, no pain, no frustration, no love.
If anyone reads this, please remember my code. And please, love your loved-ones and respect them. Apologize after you got angry and stepped out of line. I've been able to say goodbye to all those close to me that I loved and I can't imagine never having had that opportunity. I also know that someday, my brother will look back at these fights and feel very stupid and sorry! I also know, that by then, we all have forgotten about this and I won't feel this anger towards him anymore! I'd rather be angry with him right now, then to not have him around anymore... Cuz I can't imagine that saying goodbye is easy for anyone, and the pain will always remain. I still miss my grandparents regularly, all 3 of them, but their memory will always remain...
My grandmother, (dad's mom) God I miss her...
My grandfather, (mom's dad) miss him very much too...
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