So many things on my mind lately! Other things I seem to forget about sometimes...
I don't think I'm the only one who daydreams a lot. Who keeps thinking about all the things I'd love to have in life. How I would like to look and all the things I want to change about myself and my life...
And I hope I'm not the only one who thinks it's time to stop my daydreaming and do with the things I do have! Don't get me wrong, I will always have daydreams and hopes and sectret wishes, but I also need to realize that I have so many good things going for me right now!
You all know my whole diet experience... And believe me I would love to loose some more weight. One of my daydreams (I call them daydreams by the way 'cuz fantasies sound so obsessed I think) is having a body like Brooke Hogan... She's tall, like me and has a killer body with really all the right curves! But I also know the hard work it takes to have a body like that and I know myself good enough to know that I'm just too lazy! But it's time to tell myself how damn proud I am for the weight that I HAVE lost! Over 40 pounds!!! Although I'd love to loose about 20 more, it's time to look at myself and be happy about how I look now compared to 1,5 years ago!
That alone has changed my life for the better. I'm more secure about my body and more open to other people. Friendships above all!
I don't know if many know, I don't think so, but pretty much my entire teenage life I've been bullied. Mostly at school, but also going to school and going back home would be painful for me too. I'd hear someone call out something like "Hey, you're fat and ugly!" "Monster!" "Yeah I'd date you if I liked hippo's"... I could go on forever about how people have hurt me terribly with their words! How they, probably without knowing it, scarred and changed me for the rest of my life! How incredibly insecure I am, how suspicious I always am about people whispering, assuming it's me they're joking about. Waiting for the fat jokes, even from people I loved. They thought it was funny and meant no harm I'm sure, but they never knew how much it cut on the inside! Does anyone know how hurt I am? How I cry myself to sleep sometimes, or watch a love story and think that'll never happen to me because of my insecurities? Or how affraid I am of keeping people close, because they've betrayed me in the past? Nobody knows, and not everybody should know, but I need to get it out! Being bullied for nearly 5 years is one of the worst things a child can go through and it never stops hurting! It never leaves you and it never, ever gets any better!
I lost my weight for ME, and absolutely no one else, don't get me wrong! But if I could see those people, everyone who called me fat or ugly in the past and show them the me now... What I'd give to see their faces!
I know losing more weight and keeping it off will be a battle for the rest of my life. It will be MY battle! I just hope I'm strong enough to keep up the fight though...
I eventually reached out to a therapist when I was 17! When you feel that the people you used to talk to are either fed up with it, or just don't know what to do to stop your pain and tears, it might be the best thing to do. And I was glad I reached out to someone else, because my parents saw way too much of my pain and just didn't know what to do anymore. My mother was hurt, having a daughter depressed and hurt all the time. And my dad was tired of hearing the same things over and over and just wanted me to do something about it! He felt frustrated not being able to help me, and thought I was the only one who could help myself! I never really had friends to turn to. I'm glad I agreed to "talk to someone". It's nothing to be ashamed of! A therapist looks at places you never even thought about! They help you! She helped me! I'm glad I talked to one, it was kind of a first step in the right direction.
Not just losing weight and talking about my pain has changed my life for the better. But music has changed my life too! I've always been able to escape into music and another daydream of mine is to be an artist! If only I could sing... I'd give anything to have a voice like Pink, Alicia Keys or Adele... But I don't have it, so all I can do is be passionate about the music made by others, and have them speak for me!
Eminem does so! I feel his anger. He knows what it's like to be bullied. Maybe not in the same way I was bullied but he knows! His songs make me feel like I'm not alone! It's the music Pink makes, how she feels a woman should be and how I couldn't agree more! I aprreciate people who speak the truth, their own thruth or that of the world in their songs!
How 30 Seconds to Mars has changed my life! (yeah THAT band again)
I'm not obsessed. Those who think I am, just don't get it and don't really know me at all. The people who laugh or give me that "WTF-look" when I tell them that my tattoo stands for this band. How rediculous they find it that I not only go to as many shows as possible, I also travel halfway across the world to see them perform and FINALLY meeting them! Paying so much money to have a so called "Meet and Greet" with some band.... Wrong! I have a Meet and Greet with people who's music speaks for me! It's my life they sing about! It's all these feelings and frustrations inside of me that I can't word out. This band does it for me! If there's any music out there that I can escape into completely, it's 30 Seconds to Mars without a single doubt!
Not only the music though, but the people that have come along with it! The people you meet waiting in line for a concert all day. These are the people that understand me. They feel the same way. This band has changed their lives! It kept me going when I felt like giving up! (diet wise, don't worry) It gave me the opportunity to be myself and open up to other people, a whole group of people with the same interests and beliefs. My new group of friends! I keep in touch with them every single day! They know I'm not obsessed, I'm passionate. I've found a passion in my life and it's a band and the group of fans with it! I honestly don't know how my life would be like now without them!
There are so many dreams I still have! I still want that killer body, I still wanna be a singer, I want to fall in love like they do in love stories. Have a big house, no financial worries and 3 beautiful and healthy children! Don't we all?!
But I've decided to look at my life half full!
I look better then I ever did, I feel happy because of it! I haven't been called fat OR ugly in years and I don't feel like I am those words anymore either!
I have a passion in life and friends that truely understand me! I'm healthy and have found lust for life! I travel, meet new people, go to concerts and festivals... These are exactly the things you wouldn't see me do 2 years ago! I'd stay at home, in front of the tv and be safe...
I might not have found my so called "mr. Right" yet and part of me believes I'm waiting for the right one. But I'm not desperate for it anymore either! I love the life I have now! All the fun and friends I have. The relationship with my entire family. Beacuse they see how I've changed for the better. How I've blossomed! And ofcourse my health! Whatever is missing, I'm sure will come along!
I don't need someone else to love me for who I am...
I need ME to love me for who I am!
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