Missing

The past weekend has been intense!
My family members have been fighting, my father threatened with divorce and kicking my brother out of the house, my mom cried on my shoulder and I had to beg my father to stop screeming at her. I even asked my brother to just leave.
I'm done!
Believe me, there have been fights and arguments before, and I'm sure that when I was younger I also was the cause of some of them, but never has it been like this one! Like the past year or so, it's just never ending I feel. And it gets worse every time...
I know this is the last thing I should be blogging about, and spread it on the internet and if I offend anyone by it, I'm sorry. But I just have to get rid of some of the stuff that's hurting me...
It just kills me to see my mom cry and I choke when I see my dad hurt. It amazes me, when the person who is the cause of this pain and tears, doesn't seem to be bothered by it. It's so cold! It's not how he's been raised, I'd like to think my parents did better than that!
We all take advantage of our parents in our teens, especially if they let us, but we still have the respect to stop when it's becoming too much... At least, I always did!

Anyways... I dried my mom's tears yesterday, after I cramped up cuz my dad was screaming like I never heard him do before. I talked to my dad, asking him to please apologize to mom, cuz she was hurting. I'm someone who wants to live by the code "Don't go angry"... Don't go to bed angry, don't go to work angry, don't even go to the store angry... Because "what if"... I can't imagine, not being able to say all you wanna say to the person you love before it's too late!
I've decided to back away from my brother completely. I'm tired of him using us and deviding my parents. I'm tired of trying to talk and get through to him, and not have any positive outcome. I'm tired of being nervous about a confrontation that I know they will have, especially dad and my brother. It's aweful!

We celebrated my mom's birthday yesterday and since my brother walked away from home, he didn't show up to celebrate with us. He didn't buy a present or write a card for mom... She's his mother! She does everything for him. As do we all! Shows his personality I guess... And telling others he got kicked out, no one's supportive of him, helps him, cares about him... He doesn't even know what he has and what my parents do and buy for him. What I do and buy for him, cuz he's my brother, that's what you do! All I need in return, is a thank you and respect! Why is it so hard to do just that?! It's all my parents want from both of us too, love, gratitude and respect.

I could go on and on about this, but at the end of the day, this is my family and my brother, and I don't wanna disrepect them! I've just been walking around with this all weekend, not allowed to talk to anyone about it, frustrated to see my brother spreading it around on twitter. I can't pretent non of this happened, me being in the middle of it all again! How dare he say all those things, even in his anger!
Nobody's perfect, and I damn well know I'm not either, but I do try my best to co-excist with those who I care about. It was never meant to be easy, and growing up and dealing with all sorts of situations is challenging and difficult, I know! But family is there to help you through!

To top this weekend off, today is not only my mom's 45th birthday, it's also been 5 years today since my grandmother died. She was one of the most important people in my life, my retreat, and I still miss her. Now more then ever. Now I wish I could run to her and have her comfort me. Love me. Support me, like she always did. I miss that.

Also today my grandfather's wife stopped by. My grandfather, who also was a very important part of my adult life, died 2 years ago. Whatever he said, went! He was firm, but always there for everyone! He had a big influence in my life and I like to think that I was special to him too. My mom tells me often that I was. His wife now, 2 years after she lost the man she loved, has found a new love. And though I wish her all the best and I'm truely happy for her to have found new love, it's weird to not see my grandfater by her side... He was still so young! Life just isn't fair. I do know that she really misses him too!

All in all, these past few days made me very emotional. I eat when I'm emotional, so you can imagine how my weekend has been... Without anyone knowing it, I just shed a few tears behind the computer, writing, and it feels good. I'm not keeping anything inside anymore! No anger, no pain, no frustration, no love.

If anyone reads this, please remember my code. And please, love your loved-ones and respect them. Apologize after you got angry and stepped out of line. I've been able to say goodbye to all those close to me that I loved and I can't imagine never having had that opportunity. I also know that someday, my brother will look back at these fights and feel very stupid and sorry! I also know, that by then, we all have forgotten about this and I won't feel this anger towards him anymore! I'd rather be angry with him right now, then to not have him around anymore... Cuz I can't imagine that saying goodbye is easy for anyone, and the pain will always remain. I still miss my grandparents regularly, all 3 of them, but their memory will always remain...

My grandmother, (dad's mom) God I miss her...
My grandfather, (mom's dad) miss him very much too...

Hurricane Tour 2010, Oberhausen

5.30 am ... In the car and on our way to Oberhausen to be a part of the 30 Seconds to Mars show! It ended up beeing an hours drive when it should've been 40 minutes, but when we arrived at the venue at around 6.40 am we where plesantly surprised to see only 6 other people there! We sat in front of one of the doors. YES! Frontrow for us! Us is my little brother Jamie and Echelon sistah Nancy!



It was cold!!! It was freezing a little but we where prepared! Lots of clothes and blancets and we brought chairs. So no sitting on the freezing floor for us!



We also brought enough to drink and eat to last the day. But the good thing was that there was a shopping mal nearby and it openen at 8.30 am. Every hour and a half we went inside to warm ourselves up! It made the day a lot easier.



Suddenly, at around 10 am we where told that where we were sitting, was the seating tickets entrance! O_O
We had to move and ofcourse, where we were supposed to sit all along now was filled with about 30 people... The 3 of us, and the others that followed were not amused! No more frontrow for us... :-(

Though I don't like whine, especially warmed up, we bought ourselves some Gluhwein (we where in Germany afterall) and I must say, it heated us up! Also, throughout the day, people from the venue where serving us hot tea. A very welcome bonus, since later in the afternoon it started freezing again!

As always, the line got bigger and longer as the day went by. We stept out of line real quick to put everything in the car that we didn´t need anymore, like the chairs and blankets. We´d still love to keep them, but there where too many people now and the pushing started already! 3 pm, the venue wouldn´t open ´till 6 pm and people started pushing and trying to make it to the front of the row already!!! That was aweful!



As I got back from the car, my dearest sistahs had arrived (they had seating tickets) And Patti (bless her creative boyfriend) brought her Giant Glowing BLUE Triad!!!



I needed to get back in line, to where my brother was standing. Lots of pushing, lots of comments on one another... Is this really the German Echelon spirit? Never had I seen this happening before...
An our before the show they brought us some more tea. We eventually even turned it down, they brought us that much!

6 pm ... TOTAL CHAOS! I was being pushed up against the fence and couldn't move... I'm sorry, but I had been there for nearly 12 hours and I wasn't gonna let this last hour ruine my chance on a good view! I used my elbows a little and strugled my way in! Met up with my brother, who was able to fight through the screeming pushers and he was standing second row... Luckily the girls in front of us where shorter then us, so I guess, it was okay...

On twitter, we had communicated to bring Christmas hats as a surprise for the guys! In the end there where quite a few who brought one and it made the venue look pretty!



No more shivering for us! Still 3 more hours of waiting, but we where inside.
Support act, I had never seen before, but must say was really good! Carpark North shared some of their songs with us. I think we all enjoyed it!

Then, as I thought, the stage was covered in a huge curtain! We all knew what that meant! A little longer and our heroes would be there!!!




As you get tired, more tired then you where before and the waiting becomes a pain in the ... you know ;) The anticipation is building higher and you know it's only seconds before it starts!

Then...
The lights go off... We hear those ah-so-familiar monks humming and we get an energy rush like never before, all our waiting was gonna be worth it now!
We hear Shannon drumming to "Escape" and then we hear Jared...

As the crowd joins him loud and clear by screaming at the top of their lungs "THIS IS WAR" the curtain droppes, and there they are!
Tomo right in front of us on the left side of the stage, Shannon on the right behind his gorgeous kit and Jared, crazy as always, with his blue hair and coolest sunglasses! Behind him, the biggest glowing triad I had ever seen! It too, was blue!








"Night of the Hunter" was the next song and it got us going CRAZY! A little too crazy maybe, this crowd was very pushy and aggresive unfortunately, so very soon people where fainting and beeing pulled out of the crowd. More then I had ever seen...

"A Beautifil Lie" was the next song! Followed by one of my all time favorites "Attack!"

Next came "Vox Populi" and although we know our part, the clapping and the stomping, there was simply no room to do just that! We where all too much pressed together!



"This is War" was ofcourse followed by "100 Suns" and we all had our little prayer when "Closer to the Edge" was introduced to us by Jared!





Shannon kicked off "L-490" and was joined by Tomo and Tim.

Ofcourse most of us knew, that this was the point where the acoustic set was gonna take place. I for one, becaue of all the pushing, was thinking about walking over to the soundboard since mostly that's where Jared will pop up to do some songs, just him and his guitar and us as background-vocals. But there was no stage and I could still see Jared, so I decided to stand my ground!

"From Yesterday" , "Alibi" , and "Bad Romance" where part of the acoustic set and Jared started off with "the Kill, but was thankfully joined by Shannon and Tomo to make it a full band version! And as always, this was the point where Jared got a little closer to the crowd. Unfortunately for me, again, not where I was standing. But it was great nontheless!

Jared took a pic of the crowd, and I had hoped he would've posted it somewhere, but for whatever eason he didn't. Maybe soon..??!!
Shannon did some freestyling, only as he can do it! Damn, that man is good.
All three of them where showing their consearn when a girl fell down in the crowd and they made sure she was okay before the show continued! How sweet!




My surprise of the evening was "the Fantasy"! Never heard them play it live before, so this was a moment to rember. It was for the believers as Jared said, and I for one sure feel like one of those!
It was also my first time to see "Hurricane" live! What an amazing moment, especially with the video released not too long ago!

Then, the moment I had not been waiting for, "Kings and Queens" since this means the end of the show! Jared hand-picked all the people from the crowd, and he even invited me AND my brother on stage... But security didn't help us, so we never where able to fight our way through the crowd... I gotta say, it was a painful moment for me. And I felt it for a few days...

I was sad it was over, Shannon handed out some drum sticks, one got very close, but for those short girls standing in front of me... And Jared thanked us for coming out. It still took a while before I could move again. Finally some air!
In the end, it sucks that the show was over, but in this case I was glad it was, since it meant that people where walking away and I could move again!

We met up with our Dutch Echelon family at the soundboard and outside the venue and talked about our experience. Sad it was over, but very tired we said our goodbyes and went to the car. Thinking if maybe we should hang around to see if the guys would show up, but we where cold and tired and just ready to go home! I did see a new Echelon sistah on my way to the car, and had a quick chat with her again. You meet the most amazing people through this band and for that, I'm forever thankful!

It'll be a while before I see them again I'm afraid, but I truely hope it'll be somewhere in the next year! I miss them already!

And for those who haven't been to one of their shows, you're missing out! Try it and be in the moment. MARS will take you to a place you've never been and you will like it!

Glamourized!

Finally! Today Adam Lambert is giving his first EVER concert in the Netherlands! Paradiso in Amsterdam has got something coming!!!
I've been looking out to this day for a while now, so I'm very excited!


Took us a good 3 hours drive, with some jams and finding a parking sport to get there, but my brother Jamie, his 2 friends Kay and Fay and I are ready for some Glambert!!!
I gotta say that, before we left, I asked my dad if I was wearing too much make-up... His responce was "YES!" so I knew I was ready for the show! ;)

We only waited in line for about 2,5 hours before we got pushed in by all the screeming girls who couldn't wait any longer!
By now we had met up with some other lovely ladies!




Inside we all got ready with some glow-in-the-dark decoration! Purty huh?!






Now it's time to wait a little...
And a little more...

But then the lights go out and...


There he is!!! And fuck me! He's playing my favorite song VOODOO to start off with 0_0 HAPPY!!!

And boy, does that man overdress in all the right ways! He look GLAMTASTIC!




His voice is to die for, I'm even amazed with how incredibly good he sounds live!!! Throughout the show, with all the dancing his voice kept hitting every note! Bless him!
I loved the show, loved the dancers and loved Tommy ;) Everybody who was there knows what I'm talking about... Naughty boys... LOL


As with everything that's VERY good in life, this came to an end way too soon! But it gave me a buzz that I'm today, 2 days later, still on!!!




I'm glamourized for life and I was glad and honered to be a part of Adam's very first tour, and very first gig in Holland! Hope to see him again soon!

Echelon Housewarming Party

After the amazing party we had 2 months ago in Tilburg, Saskia was a sweetheart to open her NEW home for us Echelon again on saturday November 13th! And boy did we warm that house up for her!


Marianne was creative enough to make a delicious MARS cake! But the cake alone wasn't everything! She even made little MARS flags to put in each individual piece of cake!

I can tell you, we all enjoyed the cake even more lookin' that damn good!






I can also inform you, that as the night was getting longer, the flags ended up in other places than just in the cake... For those who weren't there, that's all I'll say about that! :p


All this time, MARS was blasting in the background. Man, I for one never get tired of that music! ;)
We did eventually get tired of all the talking, lots of laughing and eating so we started making our beds!

We called it a night at around 3 am! Let's just say it was pretty cosy, 10 people on the living room floor, but it was fun above all!!!

The next morning people started coming back to life at around 10 am. Again it didn't last long before the music was put back on! Guess I really wasn't the only one who can't get tired of listening to our guys! ;)
When everybody was presentable again we had some brekkie, as you can see, some of us ate it on that oh so cosy floor LOL


All in all we had some serious hartfelt conversations, not all of them involved MARS, though I think most did. We had a lot of laughs, again, quite ofted MARS related fun! ;) With breakfast, somehow, those flags popped up again!


I guess it was our way of celebrating the 2 awards we won in the past month! Well deserved!!!

As it started to get dark again outside, we all said our goodbyes.

Big hugs for everyone!

From my part a big thank you to everyone who came! It was, as always, like a family reunion! We all feel the same way about certain things and you don't see that often! You all make me feel like I belong somewhere and make me feel comfortable and happy! I thank 30 Seconds to Mars again from the bottom of my heart for this family they created! It amazes me every time! And the music, that we can FEEL! I'm, again, extremely proud to be a part of it, to call myself an ECHELON!

And a special thank you to Saskia, for letting us all into her cosy, new home! It was amazing girl!

Hope to see you all in Oberhausen, one way or another!



MARSHUG AND KISSES!!!

Closing a chapter

Almost 4 years ago I graduated as a nurse. The education was pretty difficult, but manageable ;) I had 3 different internships, one of which was absolutely horrible, and one was something I liked doing. I went from address to address and gave people the (medical) care they needed in their own homes. After I graduated, I decided to do this for a living. So for the past 3,5 years I've been helping people get showered, dressed, medicated, I'd take care of their wounds... What I came to find real early, was that it was pretty tough on my back! After 2 years it got to a point where I was absolutely done with this job, since my back would be killing me all the time! My employer helped me find solutions, I was examined to see what the cause of my back problems were, but they could never really tell. I went to therapy for almost a year, lost 19 kilo's in a year, had some minor addaptions in work, but nothing really made a difference. I started noticing that I'd always have to keep my back in mind, if I go somewhere, can I sit cuz I can't stand up all night. How long will the drive be, cuz I can't really drive for more that 2 hours... If I go out, or have a busy day, I have to make sure that the next day is gonna be an easy one, cuz I'll need the rest for my back... THIS SUCKS! I'm 22 years old, I shouldn't have to worrie about all of that all the time... After thinking about it for a long time and having many talks at work, I did realize that my job was the problem. All the bending, carrying... No matter how I do it, it always hurts. Therefor I've made the decision to stop doing this job. The only thing that kept me there for the past year is the money. It does pay well, but you have to work a lot, irregular, and it's not always as pleasant and thankfull as people may think. For a few months now, a lot of co-workers have been calling in sick, so those wo are working have to pick up what they leave behind. Extra shifts, more addresses to go to while you're working and a lot more stress. Me and stress... don't mix! I was done with it and told myself that I would quit as soon as I'd find another job.
The gym, where I've been going for over a year now, had a job opening! They needed someonw to work in the bar and as a receptionist! Exactly what I need! Walking, being busy, sitting down, working with people... I emmediately responded and this week I got the job. The pay isn't near as good as it is in healthcare, but the job isn't that demanding and I don't HAVE to work holidays anymore! That's a bonus! I'll meet new people, young people! Just what I need!
Today I officially quit my nursing job and everyone can know! ;) The only problem I have now is, I have to continue my job for 2 months!!! 0_0 DAMN! So for the next 2 months, I'm kinda working 2 jobs... With my back... Not a good idea, but I have to! I'll make some extra money, so untill January I'll be safe :p I really hope I can get a full contract next year at the gym and if not, this has been a nice inbetween and I'll look for something else! My heart tells me, that nursing wasn't really my thing after all, so I won't be going back there! I think :p

So all in all, this is a new chapter in my life although I still have to completely finish the previous one. Will do so december 31th ;) At least I won't have to work new years' day!!! HAHA! It's a risk I'm taking, but I need it, cuz believe me, doing a job you hate, especially when it's with medicine and people, is NO GOOD! And being in pain sure as hell isn't good for you!
People always say: Live your dreams ... I don't know if this is my dream, but what I used to do was a nightmare, so I guess it's a good think to wake up! Wish me luck everyone! I'm not good with taking chances, so I need all the thumbs up I can get ;)

XOXO

Weightloss update

It's been a while! I know and I'm sorry... ;)
About 3 weeks ago I told you that I had to get back on track ASAP! Well I did!
For the past 3 weeks I've been back on my diet and going to the gym 4/5 times a week! And I'm UBER glad to tell you that it paid off!
I was measured today, and I lost 2,5 kilo's and 12,5 centimetres again!!! In total that's 19 kilo's now!!! 0_0 And a little more than 2 dress sizes. Can't quite fit my ass into a smaller size yet, but I'm getting there! ;)
So 6 more kilo's and I've reached the goal I set for myself a year ago... And I did it all by my own damn self!!!
As you know I've hated the biggest part of it. And lately I have noticed that I'm more grumpy and edgy, but with this result I know what it was all for! Sorry to those effected by my mood swings, but besides my parents I don't think I bothered anyone with it... Well, just those reading my blogs too :p
Anyways... I told myself that I would buy another card to use the "Better Belly" at my gym if it made me loose at least 2 kilo's... And since it did I'm gonna do these past 3 weeks all over AGAIN! And hope that I'll loose some more of that awefull weight bugging me! And I really do wanna loose at least one more dress size before the end of this year!
My inspiration comes from people around me, people who've been through the same, but mostly myself! Seeing pictures of me, makes me feel so aweful and sad that it keeps me motivated to keep going and NEVER go back to that! I'm still me, only I feel and look better! I've said it before, I'm not there yet, but with every pound and inch I loose I come so much closer to my goal! And again, if I can do it, YOU can do it! All you need is willpower, strength and believe in yourself. It's there, you just have to find it and hold on to it!
And like me, you have to make yourself priority! Me loosing weight is more important than pretty much anything else right now and untill I've reached my goal, it'll stay that way!


This is history, this is my unhappy, and I don't ever wanna go throught that again!

Picking up

So since this week I started my diet again!
Really this time!!! ;)
I take 2 shakes a day and have a fairly light meal for dinner! I'm also going to the gym regularly again! Been there 5 times this week! GOOD ME! :-D I'm now trying something called "Better Belly", I'm on the cross-trainer for 45 minutes and litterally sweat my ass off!!! It's brutal! Well, not brutal, but it's quite intense! Especially for someone who doesn't like to sweat to begin with! ;)
Anyways, it gives me more energy and it makes me damn proud of myself.
The only problem I'm facing now is that I feel it's okay to have a snack almost every day! I burn close to 400 calories everytime at the gym, and that's great for losing weight! But then I shouldn't be snacking obviously! Twice this weak I fell off the wagon! But, when I fall, I get back up again! ;) No harm done really, I didn't overload myself, just had some chocolate I shouldn't have bought in the first place! So I'm not doing that again!

I have also decided that I need to lose all the bad things in my life right now. Cuz when I'm unhappy it's poison to my diet! Right now, my job is the damn poison! There's a lot of great stuff to being a nurse, but lately it doesn't outweigh the negative sides to it. For the past year I've been staying at my job just for the money. My back hurts all the time, and believe me, old people can be very mean and disrespectful!!! And as the professional you have to take their crap! Litterally :-( I guess I'm just done with it! Pretty much all I do is wash people who in most cases are too lazy to do it themselves! That's not what I spend 3 years in school for! I'm throwing away all those years anyways by changing jobs and giving it all up right now kinda sucks, but I know in my heart that it's the right thing for me to do right now. Besides, my back always hurts when I'm working! It's just really hard on your body and mind I guess and I'm done with it!
As of next week I start working somewhere else... THE GYM! How about that??!! I was waiting for something to come along, and I think for now, this is it! I just hope that I can work more then what they offer me right now, cuz I'm losing a LOT of money compared to what I earn now! But at least I'll get a break and hopefully find what it is that I really wanna do in and with my life! Something I enjoy, and if that means making less money, well, so be it!
Right now I need to care about me and the most important thing still is losing some more weight! At least 7 more kilo's and I'm thinking maybe even a little more! I'll see.... I've reached all of my goals so far, so I can reach the ones I'm setting now aswel! It hasn't been easy, believe me! Finding exactly what you want in life can take a very long time! And even though I think I know exactly what I need, I don't have one freakin' clue! But, the sky is the limit! And I will always have some form of inspiration! When it comes to losing weight, lately it's kinda been the lead singer of my favorite band, he gained and lost alot of weight a while back! Although I do think he's lost a little too much, but it's probably cuz he's so very, very busy! One look at him still makes me think: 'DAMN! If he can do it, anyone can do it! I CAN DO IT!' I have done it, and I'm not stopping, giving up and I sure as hell ain't going back!



I love the sunrise! It can start again every day and be beautiful no matter what! One day even more beautiful than the day before! It's always there, we just gotta open our eyes and SEE it... If we open our eyes, we can see beauty in everything, even ourselves!

Echelon Party

That we, as an Echelon family are close, we already knew! We meet each other at gigs waiting in line to see our heroes perform. We catch up on the good ol' internet sometimes and do some promo here and there. It's all part of being an Echelon!


But to have someone open up their home to have an Echelon PARTY is something I had never heard of, or could've ever imagined! Patti did open up her home for us and invited all the Echelon that wanted to come to have a great time with her and her incredibly talented boyfriend Thijs (all kudo's to him for his amazing Mars banners and artwork)



We did so on October 2nd at Patti's place in Tilburg, the Netherlands!
12 Echelon turned up and the fun started immediately! With 30 Seconds to Mars blasting in the background we talked a lot of Mars together. We shared home-made apple pie, champaine, French cheese, chocolates and Mars bracelets!







We had an absolute blast and ended the night with some hylarious interviews and pictures of the band! They simply ARE funny as hell!
9 of us spend the night at Patti's to keep the party going! It was around 6 am when the last of the die hards went to bed!





At around 10 am (that same morning) we had breakfast together. After breakfast some had to go home, but 6 of us stayed to watch some movies together... You guessed it, Jared Leto movies! (Shannon did pop up in one of them though WUAHAHA)



We shared some more Mars experiences and talked about a lot of other stuff too. We even popped out the windows to do a little promoting aswell... Couldn't resist with this amazing house and incredible banners!




Before we knew it, it was time for dinner and we decided to pick up some Chinese food.



After that we finally said our goodbyes and left home. I don't think it was easy for any of us, since we had so much fun! By now the amazing party had lasted for over 24 hours, and most of us had to work or go to school the next morning. We did agree to the fact, that these sort of things are gonna happen more often! We shouldn't just meet up at venues or promo's. We're gonna see each other more than that and SOONer than that too!





I have to say for myself, that this was an experience to remember! I'm still amazed with how much we're all effected by one band's music and how it brought us together. I'm prouder now, than I ever was before, to call myself an Echelon and I'm happy with all the sisters I've gained because of it! I love you guys and I can't wait to see you again!


PROVEHITO IN ALTUM