Awake

Awake. She’s lying in bed, wide awake. Her body and even her mind is tired, but her thoughts are too strong for sleep. She gets lost in them. They take over her every desire to think of anything else. It’s too strong for her, even though she likes to think she’s much stronger. Throughout the day she’s able to distract her mind from all this poison, but as the lights go out at night, and darkness and stillness covers everything, she slips away. Into her own fantasies. A world where she can look the way she’s longing to look and feel the way she thinks she should. To be loved. And love. She can no longer think about all the things already in her life. All the fun, love and admiration no doubt some have for her. Where is her own? Why can’t she look at what she has accomplished lately and truly be proud? Truly be satisfied so far? How come, it is so hard for her to appreciate all the beauty surrounding her, including her own? Why doesn’t anyone love her? The biggest question haunting her mind. How come she’s never known love? Not the love you get from parents, brother, grandmother. Love you get from someone special. A soul mate. A partner. A person you see and from that very first look you feel those butterflies. She’s had those butterflies several times before and even acted upon them, but it has never brought her anything. Nothing she expected. No love. Never has she been given the opportunity to give those butterflies to someone else. A boy. A man. Never have they opened up to her. Never did they let her in. Is it because she has this sense to always pick out the one that’s not for her? She always picks out the one who already gave is heart to his special person, or at least in that time. At least now he has someone he loves and who, hopefully, loves him as much as she would. Because she’s not certain of many things, but she is absolutely positive about the fact that she could make someone very happy, she could make someone feel special. She’d walk the mile for him and be there no matter what. She’d be prepared for all the ups and downs, as she’s seen it in other people’s lives so very often. If only she could experience this herself. If only he’d give her a chance. If only, for once, he wouldn’t laugh her flirtation off. If only, for once, her heart would not play tricks on her but show her the right way. It’s not like she never tries! She does.
She thinks he’s looking at her one too many times. Could he be interested? Would he think she’s pretty? She’s nice? Funny? He looks again. Should she take a chance? She should find out if he has a girlfriend. He does… So, didn’t he look at her? He didn’t think she was pretty right? It was her damn imagination. It let her down again, gave her false hope, again. Why does it keep doing this? Is her mind, or she, so focused on the outside? Is it all about how handsome he is? She knows it’s not! But she’s never gotten a chance to get to know him. He never took the chance to get to know her. She hopes he’s happy with the one he is with. She can take it. It is what it is. She moved on. Still her mind keeps racing. Those damn “what if’s”. What if he never looked at her? What if she never looked back? What if she never asked? And what if, he was still available? She’s going insane! She just wants to sleep and forget this ever happened. But her thoughts won’t let her. They won’t give her a break. They keep her occupied. She wants it too bad. She’s craving love. To love. It’s obsessing her. She feels so alone. Lonely. Her bed is cold. Her thoughts and doubts can’t keep her warm. He could. Love could. Maybe that’s the only thing that could chase those thoughts away. It probably is. Why can’t she see all the positive things she does have? Why does she think she can’t be truly happy without a man? So many great experiences she’s had, such a loving family and great friends. Why can’t that be enough? It should be enough. Love should be a bonus, not a must! Deep down inside she knows this, but late at night, in bed, it’s those damn thoughts that tell her otherwise again. Is she depressed? No! She can’t be. She’s having too much fun. She knows this. But she sure is sad. Sad with how her life is going. To have never loved someone at this age. To have never been loved. But would that really be it? Is that all? It can’t be.
She’s laying there, in the dark. She knew for sure he looked at her. She saw him. Really saw him and was brave enough to chat with him too. He looked again! She’s sure of this. She knows he doesn’t have a partner, so should she wait it out or should she just go for it and ask him out? New thoughts are consuming her. He! She keeps staring at his picture. She keeps thinking about what to say. She reaches out to her friend. She encourages her, so do all her friend. Go for it. Ask him out! He just smiled at her, in that way. This can’t be her imagination! Or is he just being nice? She can’t eat. He’s the first and the last thing on her mind. Why? This is ridiculous. She can’t wait any longer, but she can’t just walk up to him either. She waits. For him? Why? She goes for it, she asks him out. How wrong could she have been. He just started dating someone. They have a click, he says… So her imagination was playing tricks on her again. He, also, didn’t look at her that way. He was just being nice. All she can think, again, is that that girl better be very good to him. As good as she would be. It pains her, although this time she didn’t cry her eyes out. She’s okay with it. She’s okay with the fact that there’s either no one out there for her, or it’s someone she least expects. Not the love at first sight type of love she’s always dreamed about. She’s sure of this now. There’s nothing anyone can say to make her feel better. This is her fight. These are her thoughts taking over. Her insecurities. Her pain. Yes, it hurts her. There’s no denying. If you look closely, you can see it in her eyes. Hear it in her voice. But you’ll have to look really close, ‘cuz she’s a very good pretender. She won’t want you to see it. She hopes you don’t. Or does she? Does she want everything erased? Does she not want him, either one, to know she likes him? Or did it, even though it didn’t have the outcome she had hoped for, make her stronger? It couldn’t have been for nothing, so she must’ve gotten stronger! She has! And she has to believe that someday, her curiosity will pay off. She will meet someone who deserves her. And he will give her everything she needs and she will give him everything and more back. She will be devoured with the thought of his arms, how warm they make her feel. His lips, how he kisses her like she’s never been kissed. His words, how they make her cry, make her happy. She’ll have thoughts that don’t keep her awake at night. But thoughts that will allow her to fall asleep with a smile on her face every night. She won’t have to dream, or fantasize about love, she’ll have it. She’ll look to her left every morning and see the face of the one that makes her feel special, loved. She’ll feel beautiful.
From now one, she wants to lie awake in bed thinking about that. Thinking about what will be. When she least expects it. Maybe, when she’s given up hope. But it will come to her, she has no doubt. And until then, she’s going to be happy and feel blessed with all the things she does have in live. Because, if she thinks about it, she’s done pretty damn good lately! She’s learning to love herself and appreciate all and everything around her. If she wants to, she can still escape into her thoughts, her fantasies. Knowing that, one day, she won’t have to anymore! Now that’s a thought that’s welcome to keep her awake every now and then!