The glass half full?

It's been way too long since I last wrote a random blog, I know and I'm sorry.
So many things on my mind lately! Other things I seem to forget about sometimes...

I don't think I'm the only one who daydreams a lot. Who keeps thinking about all the things I'd love to have in life. How I would like to look and all the things I want to change about myself and my life...
And I hope I'm not the only one who thinks it's time to stop my daydreaming and do with the things I do have! Don't get me wrong, I will always have daydreams and hopes and sectret wishes, but I also need to realize that I have so many good things going for me right now!

You all know my whole diet experience... And believe me I would love to loose some more weight. One of my daydreams (I call them daydreams by the way 'cuz fantasies sound so obsessed I think) is having a body like Brooke Hogan... She's tall, like me and has a killer body with really all the right curves! But I also know the hard work it takes to have a body like that and I know myself good enough to know that I'm just too lazy! But it's time to tell myself how damn proud I am for the weight that I HAVE lost! Over 40 pounds!!! Although I'd love to loose about 20 more, it's time to look at myself and be happy about how I look now compared to 1,5 years ago!
That alone has changed my life for the better. I'm more secure about my body and more open to other people. Friendships above all!

I don't know if many know, I don't think so, but pretty much my entire teenage life I've been bullied. Mostly at school, but also going to school and going back home would be painful for me too. I'd hear someone call out something like "Hey, you're fat and ugly!" "Monster!" "Yeah I'd date you if I liked hippo's"... I could go on forever about how people have hurt me terribly with their words! How they, probably without knowing it, scarred and changed me for the rest of my life! How incredibly insecure I am, how suspicious I always am about people whispering, assuming it's me they're joking about. Waiting for the fat jokes, even from people I loved. They thought it was funny and meant no harm I'm sure, but they never knew how much it cut on the inside! Does anyone know how hurt I am? How I cry myself to sleep sometimes, or watch a love story and think that'll never happen to me because of my insecurities? Or how affraid I am of keeping people close, because they've betrayed me in the past? Nobody knows, and not everybody should know, but I need to get it out! Being bullied for nearly 5 years is one of the worst things a child can go through and it never stops hurting! It never leaves you and it never, ever gets any better!
I lost my weight for ME, and absolutely no one else, don't get me wrong! But if I could see those people, everyone who called me fat or ugly in the past and show them the me now... What I'd give to see their faces!
I know losing more weight and keeping it off will be a battle for the rest of my life. It will be MY battle! I just hope I'm strong enough to keep up the fight though...

I eventually reached out to a therapist when I was 17! When you feel that the people you used to talk to are either fed up with it, or just don't know what to do to stop your pain and tears, it might be the best thing to do. And I was glad I reached out to someone else, because my parents saw way too much of my pain and just didn't know what to do anymore. My mother was hurt, having a daughter depressed and hurt all the time. And my dad was tired of hearing the same things over and over and just wanted me to do something about it! He felt frustrated not being able to help me, and thought I was the only one who could help myself! I never really had friends to turn to. I'm glad I agreed to "talk to someone". It's nothing to be ashamed of! A therapist looks at places you never even thought about! They help you! She helped me! I'm glad I talked to one, it was kind of a first step in the right direction.

Not just losing weight and talking about my pain has changed my life for the better. But music has changed my life too! I've always been able to escape into music and another daydream of mine is to be an artist! If only I could sing... I'd give anything to have a voice like Pink, Alicia Keys or Adele... But I don't have it, so all I can do is be passionate about the music made by others, and have them speak for me!
Eminem does so! I feel his anger. He knows what it's like to be bullied. Maybe not in the same way I was bullied but he knows! His songs make me feel like I'm not alone! It's the music Pink makes, how she feels a woman should be and how I couldn't agree more! I aprreciate people who speak the truth, their own thruth or that of the world in their songs!
How 30 Seconds to Mars has changed my life! (yeah THAT band again)
I'm not obsessed. Those who think I am, just don't get it and don't really know me at all. The people who laugh or give me that "WTF-look" when I tell them that my tattoo stands for this band. How rediculous they find it that I not only go to as many shows as possible, I also travel halfway across the world to see them perform and FINALLY meeting them! Paying so much money to have a so called "Meet and Greet" with some band.... Wrong! I have a Meet and Greet with people who's music speaks for me! It's my life they sing about! It's all these feelings and frustrations inside of me that I can't word out. This band does it for me! If there's any music out there that I can escape into completely, it's 30 Seconds to Mars without a single doubt!
Not only the music though, but the people that have come along with it! The people you meet waiting in line for a concert all day. These are the people that understand me. They feel the same way. This band has changed their lives! It kept me going when I felt like giving up! (diet wise, don't worry) It gave me the opportunity to be myself and open up to other people, a whole group of people with the same interests and beliefs. My new group of friends! I keep in touch with them every single day! They know I'm not obsessed, I'm passionate. I've found a passion in my life and it's a band and the group of fans with it! I honestly don't know how my life would be like now without them!

There are so many dreams I still have! I still want that killer body, I still wanna be a singer, I want to fall in love like they do in love stories. Have a big house, no financial worries and 3 beautiful and healthy children! Don't we all?!
But I've decided to look at my life half full!
I look better then I ever did, I feel happy because of it! I haven't been called fat OR ugly in years and I don't feel like I am those words anymore either!
I have a passion in life and friends that truely understand me! I'm healthy and have found lust for life! I travel, meet new people, go to concerts and festivals... These are exactly the things you wouldn't see me do 2 years ago! I'd stay at home, in front of the tv and be safe...
I might not have found my so called "mr. Right" yet and part of me believes I'm waiting for the right one. But I'm not desperate for it anymore either! I love the life I have now! All the fun and friends I have. The relationship with my entire family. Beacuse they see how I've changed for the better. How I've blossomed! And ofcourse my health! Whatever is missing, I'm sure will come along!

I don't need someone else to love me for who I am...

I need ME to love me for who I am!

EcheLondon 2011

After meeting Carol while we both were queing in Oberhausen for a 30 Seconds to Mars show (which was Karen's idea to begin with) we decided to keep in touch via twitter and Facebook.
After a little while we dicided that we should meet up again and I would come over to visit Carol in London. Karen would also be coming over and we'd have a whole weekend filled with MARS!

March 11th was the day! The MIM (Meeting In March) was about to happen! My flight was perfect and I landed a little earlier then expected!


Carol and Karen picked me up from the airport and it was as if I was meeting old friends that I saw just a few weeks ago even though this was the first time Karen and myself met in real person!
There's this instant bond that you have with fellow Echelon! That's how I see it anyways!

We went to Carol's house, since my bag was HEAVY!
I had my very first tea WITH MILK! And although I thought it was the weirdest thing ever, I must now admit it's a pretty tasty thing to do!

Off we went!!! For a long walk, to see all sights and the weather was absolutely gorgeous!






First stop was Buckingham Palace in all it's glory! A beautiful sight I must say!








We walked on towards the Horse Guards and to Trafalgar Square. Another great place to have seen!













We stopped for a nice drink and walked on towards the Big Ben! You just can't visit London and not see Big Ben... He was very impressive. Makes Karen and I look very small!!! I like BB ;)









After freshening up and having (I'll bet) a cup of tea with milk, we went back into town for dinner! Navajo Joe's and chicken Piri Piri was what I was having! Lisa Marie also joined us at the table and since she's coming to San Fransisco with us in 3 weeks, it was nice meeting her!
Dinner was really nice too! But it had been a very busy and long day, so since it was gettng late we decided to go home and go to bed!

What an amazing first day!


The next day we went to visit the London Tower!
It was a journey back into time and the sights were absolutely gorgeous!
A so called Beef Eater showed us around and told us some stories to get the feeling of how life was there centuries ago!








The buildings were beautiful outside and in and it's a sight worth seeing. My advise to everyone visiting London: go visit the London Tower because it's worth the visit in every way!
























We took a little boat ride back towards Carol's house and picked up some Fish 'n Chips!!! I had to have Fish 'n Chips while in England!!! It was yummie too! All the tastes and sights for me when I'm visiting a country!














So the next mission was... SCONES!
And it was planned for the next day!
We went to visit the Trocadero Centre in Picadilly Circus, another sight very much worth seeing!


We had a nice look around and took some nice pictures too!
Dropped in at an Arcade and decided we were gonna go back there after we had our scones...
Opposite the Ritz we had those little beauties! Had a Rarebit too with a poched egg on top and after that...
















The most delicous Scones with clutted cream and jam I ever had! The first ones I'd ever had, but they were delicious! It was worth the wait I tell ya!



So, back to the arcade it was!
I'll let some pictures just, speak for themselves...









That horse I must add, was the most fun AND pain I had in years!!! Although I had to ride it myself, I had no idea what to do and so it was riding me... HARD! Ohw if only I would've been able to have watched myself on that horse, who I by the way called Shannon. I don't know why...
Guess "Hurts like Satan" can be re-written... :p




Since going on an actual Red Bus never happened during my stay in London, I went with this one! Did it for me ;)










Anywho, we had a blast and were content when we were back at Carol's place! We were still in a gaming mode though, so we bowled and played Mario Kart on the Wii! It was fun!

The next day it was just Karen and me! Carol was starting her nightshift that night so she went to bed during the day and Karen and I went on a mission: English breakfast... The thought of it initially grossed me out, but it was 11.30 by the time we got to the little diner so it wasn't neccesarily breakfast anymore! It was a really good dish! It even suprised Karen! It was really good!












After "brunch" we went for a walk in Battersea Park... Another amazing place! So many wonderfull sights and views!












You can tell by this tree blossoming how beautiful the weather was! It was like springtime in London and it made the trip even more beautiful! I concider us lucky! Very lucky!



















Karen is overlooking the river Thames!












All in all this was a perfect weekend! I'm grateful, once again, that because of MARS I was able to meet more amazing people like Carol and Karen! And we gotta love our personal Echelon online dating site called: twitter!
We listened and watched quite a bit of 30 Seconds to Mars. From acoustic songs, to Rock am Ring and Jared on Chattyman!
I want to thank Carol for inviting me over to her place and makling me feel so welcome. And Karen for being there too and making this weekend so much fun for the 3 of us! I loved everything about this weekend and I'll see you in 3 weeks in San Fransisco baby!!!

To finish: Carol and Karen, you're funny f*cking c*nts ;)

Echelon Party, the 3rd

As you all know by now, over here in Holland we get together as a group of friends, as family to mostly talk about and listen to our favorite band 30 Seconds to Mars!
We did this for the 3rd official time on March 5th at Marianne's place!




We all got together and the fun started right away. Some people you hadn't seen in a while, others you had never met before!
The family grows at every party it seems ;)


We had some delicious snacks and Marianne was spoiled with a few lovely presents!
That's kinda become a tradition too, the one hosting the party get's all sorts of creative gifts made by other Echelon! I think, those are the best gifts in the world! ;)


While the music was playing away in the background and drinks were pouring, everybody was talking and having fun. All memories from parties before were brought up and stories that hadn't been told already were now! It felt like the last time we all sat together was just a week ago, but it had actually been a good 3 months!



We went outside to take a few pictures, what we always do! All of us together with some MARS-related things. In this case it was the AMAZING Triad and banner brought by Patti, still amazes me everytime I see them! And we had a poster to send a little message to Shannon, cuz it was almost his 41th birthday! Lighting all the candles for the glowing Triad did prove to be quite a challenge, but it created some more fun too!

Most of us spend the night and we were all cosily put together as a puzzle in the bedroom! And yes, it was a fairly large bedroom! :p It was about 4 am when we called it a night...

The next morning we enjoyed a lovely breakfast and talked some more. About our dreams, made some jokes here and there as we always do! Time to admit that the guys are quite often the centre of our jokes, but since Marianne has 2 large posters of them on both sides of the dinner table, you had a few awkward moments staring at the guy you're joking about! All innocent jokes, don't get me wrong, we love them! But we all have a good (and most importantly, the same) sence of humor!!!

Later that afternoon, when most people left, we decided to try the coconuts Nancy brought along!




We put some cute straws in them and had a little sip to try and see how they tasted...

















No comment needed.





You can imagine the fun we had though... It (by the way) turned out to be that the coconuts were "funky", they were over-ripe... Oh what the hell, there was freaking fungus all over the bastards! They were all GREEN! And it was a bitch opening them too, I eventually smashed mine on the floor outside!!! But it was worth all the fun ;)




When everybody left, Marianne made a cute little box with a picture of the guys on it and the glyphics and a nice piece of chocolate in it.
By the time we left, Jared was all gone!!! I wonder why... :p I took Shannon home and I nicked Tomo from my brother HA!

It was SO much fun! And I wanna thank Marianne for opening her place to us, letting us sleep in her bedroom (where did she end up sleeping anyways?) It was great looking at your home-made scrap book photo albums! They're all little masterpieces! Thanks for the hospitality and the yummie breakfast (and dinner for Jamie and myself) And thank you to all my sistahs and bro's for coming and sharing the fun! It was another night to remember!




And as always: THANK YOU JARED, SHANNON AND TOMO! We owe you big time!