Missing

The past weekend has been intense!
My family members have been fighting, my father threatened with divorce and kicking my brother out of the house, my mom cried on my shoulder and I had to beg my father to stop screeming at her. I even asked my brother to just leave.
I'm done!
Believe me, there have been fights and arguments before, and I'm sure that when I was younger I also was the cause of some of them, but never has it been like this one! Like the past year or so, it's just never ending I feel. And it gets worse every time...
I know this is the last thing I should be blogging about, and spread it on the internet and if I offend anyone by it, I'm sorry. But I just have to get rid of some of the stuff that's hurting me...
It just kills me to see my mom cry and I choke when I see my dad hurt. It amazes me, when the person who is the cause of this pain and tears, doesn't seem to be bothered by it. It's so cold! It's not how he's been raised, I'd like to think my parents did better than that!
We all take advantage of our parents in our teens, especially if they let us, but we still have the respect to stop when it's becoming too much... At least, I always did!

Anyways... I dried my mom's tears yesterday, after I cramped up cuz my dad was screaming like I never heard him do before. I talked to my dad, asking him to please apologize to mom, cuz she was hurting. I'm someone who wants to live by the code "Don't go angry"... Don't go to bed angry, don't go to work angry, don't even go to the store angry... Because "what if"... I can't imagine, not being able to say all you wanna say to the person you love before it's too late!
I've decided to back away from my brother completely. I'm tired of him using us and deviding my parents. I'm tired of trying to talk and get through to him, and not have any positive outcome. I'm tired of being nervous about a confrontation that I know they will have, especially dad and my brother. It's aweful!

We celebrated my mom's birthday yesterday and since my brother walked away from home, he didn't show up to celebrate with us. He didn't buy a present or write a card for mom... She's his mother! She does everything for him. As do we all! Shows his personality I guess... And telling others he got kicked out, no one's supportive of him, helps him, cares about him... He doesn't even know what he has and what my parents do and buy for him. What I do and buy for him, cuz he's my brother, that's what you do! All I need in return, is a thank you and respect! Why is it so hard to do just that?! It's all my parents want from both of us too, love, gratitude and respect.

I could go on and on about this, but at the end of the day, this is my family and my brother, and I don't wanna disrepect them! I've just been walking around with this all weekend, not allowed to talk to anyone about it, frustrated to see my brother spreading it around on twitter. I can't pretent non of this happened, me being in the middle of it all again! How dare he say all those things, even in his anger!
Nobody's perfect, and I damn well know I'm not either, but I do try my best to co-excist with those who I care about. It was never meant to be easy, and growing up and dealing with all sorts of situations is challenging and difficult, I know! But family is there to help you through!

To top this weekend off, today is not only my mom's 45th birthday, it's also been 5 years today since my grandmother died. She was one of the most important people in my life, my retreat, and I still miss her. Now more then ever. Now I wish I could run to her and have her comfort me. Love me. Support me, like she always did. I miss that.

Also today my grandfather's wife stopped by. My grandfather, who also was a very important part of my adult life, died 2 years ago. Whatever he said, went! He was firm, but always there for everyone! He had a big influence in my life and I like to think that I was special to him too. My mom tells me often that I was. His wife now, 2 years after she lost the man she loved, has found a new love. And though I wish her all the best and I'm truely happy for her to have found new love, it's weird to not see my grandfater by her side... He was still so young! Life just isn't fair. I do know that she really misses him too!

All in all, these past few days made me very emotional. I eat when I'm emotional, so you can imagine how my weekend has been... Without anyone knowing it, I just shed a few tears behind the computer, writing, and it feels good. I'm not keeping anything inside anymore! No anger, no pain, no frustration, no love.

If anyone reads this, please remember my code. And please, love your loved-ones and respect them. Apologize after you got angry and stepped out of line. I've been able to say goodbye to all those close to me that I loved and I can't imagine never having had that opportunity. I also know that someday, my brother will look back at these fights and feel very stupid and sorry! I also know, that by then, we all have forgotten about this and I won't feel this anger towards him anymore! I'd rather be angry with him right now, then to not have him around anymore... Cuz I can't imagine that saying goodbye is easy for anyone, and the pain will always remain. I still miss my grandparents regularly, all 3 of them, but their memory will always remain...

My grandmother, (dad's mom) God I miss her...
My grandfather, (mom's dad) miss him very much too...

Hurricane Tour 2010, Oberhausen

5.30 am ... In the car and on our way to Oberhausen to be a part of the 30 Seconds to Mars show! It ended up beeing an hours drive when it should've been 40 minutes, but when we arrived at the venue at around 6.40 am we where plesantly surprised to see only 6 other people there! We sat in front of one of the doors. YES! Frontrow for us! Us is my little brother Jamie and Echelon sistah Nancy!



It was cold!!! It was freezing a little but we where prepared! Lots of clothes and blancets and we brought chairs. So no sitting on the freezing floor for us!



We also brought enough to drink and eat to last the day. But the good thing was that there was a shopping mal nearby and it openen at 8.30 am. Every hour and a half we went inside to warm ourselves up! It made the day a lot easier.



Suddenly, at around 10 am we where told that where we were sitting, was the seating tickets entrance! O_O
We had to move and ofcourse, where we were supposed to sit all along now was filled with about 30 people... The 3 of us, and the others that followed were not amused! No more frontrow for us... :-(

Though I don't like whine, especially warmed up, we bought ourselves some Gluhwein (we where in Germany afterall) and I must say, it heated us up! Also, throughout the day, people from the venue where serving us hot tea. A very welcome bonus, since later in the afternoon it started freezing again!

As always, the line got bigger and longer as the day went by. We stept out of line real quick to put everything in the car that we didn´t need anymore, like the chairs and blankets. We´d still love to keep them, but there where too many people now and the pushing started already! 3 pm, the venue wouldn´t open ´till 6 pm and people started pushing and trying to make it to the front of the row already!!! That was aweful!



As I got back from the car, my dearest sistahs had arrived (they had seating tickets) And Patti (bless her creative boyfriend) brought her Giant Glowing BLUE Triad!!!



I needed to get back in line, to where my brother was standing. Lots of pushing, lots of comments on one another... Is this really the German Echelon spirit? Never had I seen this happening before...
An our before the show they brought us some more tea. We eventually even turned it down, they brought us that much!

6 pm ... TOTAL CHAOS! I was being pushed up against the fence and couldn't move... I'm sorry, but I had been there for nearly 12 hours and I wasn't gonna let this last hour ruine my chance on a good view! I used my elbows a little and strugled my way in! Met up with my brother, who was able to fight through the screeming pushers and he was standing second row... Luckily the girls in front of us where shorter then us, so I guess, it was okay...

On twitter, we had communicated to bring Christmas hats as a surprise for the guys! In the end there where quite a few who brought one and it made the venue look pretty!



No more shivering for us! Still 3 more hours of waiting, but we where inside.
Support act, I had never seen before, but must say was really good! Carpark North shared some of their songs with us. I think we all enjoyed it!

Then, as I thought, the stage was covered in a huge curtain! We all knew what that meant! A little longer and our heroes would be there!!!




As you get tired, more tired then you where before and the waiting becomes a pain in the ... you know ;) The anticipation is building higher and you know it's only seconds before it starts!

Then...
The lights go off... We hear those ah-so-familiar monks humming and we get an energy rush like never before, all our waiting was gonna be worth it now!
We hear Shannon drumming to "Escape" and then we hear Jared...

As the crowd joins him loud and clear by screaming at the top of their lungs "THIS IS WAR" the curtain droppes, and there they are!
Tomo right in front of us on the left side of the stage, Shannon on the right behind his gorgeous kit and Jared, crazy as always, with his blue hair and coolest sunglasses! Behind him, the biggest glowing triad I had ever seen! It too, was blue!








"Night of the Hunter" was the next song and it got us going CRAZY! A little too crazy maybe, this crowd was very pushy and aggresive unfortunately, so very soon people where fainting and beeing pulled out of the crowd. More then I had ever seen...

"A Beautifil Lie" was the next song! Followed by one of my all time favorites "Attack!"

Next came "Vox Populi" and although we know our part, the clapping and the stomping, there was simply no room to do just that! We where all too much pressed together!



"This is War" was ofcourse followed by "100 Suns" and we all had our little prayer when "Closer to the Edge" was introduced to us by Jared!





Shannon kicked off "L-490" and was joined by Tomo and Tim.

Ofcourse most of us knew, that this was the point where the acoustic set was gonna take place. I for one, becaue of all the pushing, was thinking about walking over to the soundboard since mostly that's where Jared will pop up to do some songs, just him and his guitar and us as background-vocals. But there was no stage and I could still see Jared, so I decided to stand my ground!

"From Yesterday" , "Alibi" , and "Bad Romance" where part of the acoustic set and Jared started off with "the Kill, but was thankfully joined by Shannon and Tomo to make it a full band version! And as always, this was the point where Jared got a little closer to the crowd. Unfortunately for me, again, not where I was standing. But it was great nontheless!

Jared took a pic of the crowd, and I had hoped he would've posted it somewhere, but for whatever eason he didn't. Maybe soon..??!!
Shannon did some freestyling, only as he can do it! Damn, that man is good.
All three of them where showing their consearn when a girl fell down in the crowd and they made sure she was okay before the show continued! How sweet!




My surprise of the evening was "the Fantasy"! Never heard them play it live before, so this was a moment to rember. It was for the believers as Jared said, and I for one sure feel like one of those!
It was also my first time to see "Hurricane" live! What an amazing moment, especially with the video released not too long ago!

Then, the moment I had not been waiting for, "Kings and Queens" since this means the end of the show! Jared hand-picked all the people from the crowd, and he even invited me AND my brother on stage... But security didn't help us, so we never where able to fight our way through the crowd... I gotta say, it was a painful moment for me. And I felt it for a few days...

I was sad it was over, Shannon handed out some drum sticks, one got very close, but for those short girls standing in front of me... And Jared thanked us for coming out. It still took a while before I could move again. Finally some air!
In the end, it sucks that the show was over, but in this case I was glad it was, since it meant that people where walking away and I could move again!

We met up with our Dutch Echelon family at the soundboard and outside the venue and talked about our experience. Sad it was over, but very tired we said our goodbyes and went to the car. Thinking if maybe we should hang around to see if the guys would show up, but we where cold and tired and just ready to go home! I did see a new Echelon sistah on my way to the car, and had a quick chat with her again. You meet the most amazing people through this band and for that, I'm forever thankful!

It'll be a while before I see them again I'm afraid, but I truely hope it'll be somewhere in the next year! I miss them already!

And for those who haven't been to one of their shows, you're missing out! Try it and be in the moment. MARS will take you to a place you've never been and you will like it!